


letters home

by Starsfelldown



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: (read note), Alternate Universe - College/University, Death, Depression, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Slice of Life, Suicidal Thoughts, it’s 1999, let's pretend this makes sense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-07-31 18:09:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20119393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starsfelldown/pseuds/Starsfelldown
Summary: it's 1999, and after taking a gap year seonghwa is in his first semester of university. he spends his free time writing letters to his older brother and picking up shifts at the laundromat. when he meets hongjoong, a very odd art major, he can't help but fall in love.





	letters home

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not too sure how long this fic will be but i'm positive it won't be more than 5 chapters. updates will most likely be slow bc i'm working on my [woosan fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18820120) and i'm about to go on vacation then when i get back the semester starts for me.  
note:  
okay so the death mentioned in the tags is the seonghwa's fictional older brother and he references it a lot so if that's something you're not comfortable with pls don't read this. seonghwa is also really depressed and he has a history of suicidal tendencies that he references and talks about so AGAIN if that's something that triggers you or you're not comfortable with **don't read this**.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part i  
new york is plagued with gray skies and infinite rain. the streets are filled with chaos and the air is cold.  
enter park seonghwa.

seonghwa makes his way onto the subway platform, the commotion seeping through the melody playing through his headphones, but not even the loudest dial on his walkman can drown out the panic that has swept the streets.

it's 1999 and the world is coming to an end.

or at least that's what everyone thinks. it's the beginning of winter, the constant rain making the cold unbearable and soaking his shoes every time he steps out of the dorm. the grains of sand on the top of the hourglass are running low as is the supplies at the grocery stores as the citizens prepare for armageddon. the world has an expiration date and seonghwa takes the entire thing in stride.

the train rushes in and blows the hat off the girl next to him. seonghwa steps onto the shuttle and stands next to a guy with a cane and trash bags that are filled to brim with who knows what. the man throws him a dirty look before the train speeds off.

the laundromat is incredibly slow. the only customer who has talked to him during his six-hour shift was the mother of a hysteric toddler who had been bitten by the owner's cat. seonghwa tried not to laugh but the toddler had been chasing the cat all afternoon and when he yanked the feline's tail the grumpy thing turned around and bit his ankle. seonghwa's apology hadn't been too sincere and the kid was inconsolable so the woman grabbed her bag of coins, screaming child, and wet clothes out of the machine and left.

seonghwa spent the rest of the evening with the radio playing. the radiohost's voice soothing and introducing the next song with a bit of annoyance since his segment got cut short.

_dear seokwoo,_

_it hasn't stopped raining. the skies are gray, raindrops thick, and all my shoes stink. though despite the cold weather and heavy rainfall, i like it. my roommate hasn't stopped complaining about it once. he hates the rain and being cooped up in the dorm. i hate it too--i don't like him very much and would like to spend less time with him--but i love the rain. the smell just before it rains settles my fatigued heart and sore feet. the raindrops on the window panes wash away my worries as they trickle down the glass. the sound of the pouring rain hitting the pavement drowns out the loud echos in my mind._

_i'm thankful for the rain._

_but i'm most thankful to you and all the memories we had together in the rain. i still remember the time we spent in the garden as kids digging our toes into the moist soil after the loud rainy storms of new jersey. or the times we would sneak out to make mud pies in our yellow raincoats with the gray clouds hanging over our heads. i miss those days. i miss the days mom would run us hot baths after she scolded us for running around in the rain. i remember vividly how we would wait on the porch drenched and wrapped in white fluffy towels, our clothes discarded and our noses red. these days my heart is filled with nostalgia and thoughts of you hyung. i miss the days i could hear your laugh. i miss you dearly._

there's a loud roar of thunder that makes seonghwa's eyes squeeze shut and tighten his grip on his pen. he takes in a shaky breath and then lets it out slowly. seonghwa has come to know that with thunder comes the bad memories he had in the rain.

he remembers everything all too well; the phone call, his mom standing by the phone in shock, his mom's muffled sobs, the funeral, the last goodbye.

_going to korea and seeing dad without you was so odd. you were always his favorite whether he wanted to admit it or not. he tried so hard to be strong for mom and i, but i saw him in corridors, clutching onto door frames for support as he bit back a sobs._

_mom was more open with her suffering. she didn't care that everyone's eyes were on her. she didn't hide her suffering. i, on the other hand, checked out. after i was told it almost felt like i was no longer in my body. the plane to seoul, the morge, mourning period, the funeral, etc, i was there for all of it yet i don't feel like i really existed. i watched the world from above and in slow motion as they delivered their condolences and tribute wreaths. i couldn't do anything more than just bow and receive the gifts._

seonghwa can still hear the people whisper and murmur as they scanned him up and down.

_"it's like he doesn't even care."_

_"weren't they suppose to be close?"_

_"doesn't seem like it."_

_everyone has different ways of mourning. aunt may loved you, her first nephew, who she considered a son and like most everyone didn't know how to process your accident and stayed up for three nights. one night in shock and the other two cooking food for your wake and then funeral. she knew how to make something out of her pain and how to handle her emotions. my flaw was that my world was falling apart and didn't know how to act. i didn't know what facial expression to make so i kept my head low and avoided eye contact. for a moment i didn't feel anything and then weeks past me by and suddenly i felt too much._

seonghwa can still sometimes feel the numbness in his chest and sometimes his days blur together as they did then. it happens the most during the winter. unfortunately, as of late he feels his body getting heavier and heavier with each passing day and his days blending together. he can't remember what day it is or if he has a class or a shift. but what worries him the most is that soon he'll feel too much. everything will suddenly become too much and seonghwa is so scared because each time it gets worse and worse.

_i felt the world's weight on my chest and the thought of you not being there to help me carry it made it worse. but the worse thing was that the people around me were settling into normalcy and everything around me was starting to wither away. the flowers were beginning to wilt and mom began to throw them out. i felt so frustrated with my parents for getting better while i was only getting worse. i was angry because i thought by getting better they were forgetting you. that they were letting you go. but i’ve become rational enough to know that this wasn’t true. their grief was distributed in bigger quantities for a shorter period of time as mine has been strung thinly like taffy for an excruciating amount of time._

_i thought of throwing himself off a building and then i thought about screaming and falling into hysteria, but i did none of that. i kept it inside and let it build that month i stayed in seoul. i suffered in silence. which was one of the worst things i could have done. it only made the flux of emotions and feelings for the ones around me sudden and abrupt, almost like spontaneous combustion._

the storm has seonghwa short of breath and hyper-aware of everything. the cat's paws padding across the dirty white tiles as he zooms to find a place to hide from the thunder. the lights that flicker when the lightning strikes a little too close and thunder a little too loud. he can hear the girl with pink hair popping her gum every so often and her fingers that rub the pages of her book to separate the pages as she waits for the noisy wash cycle to end. but overall he feels the storm raging in him and the emotions that the wind has picked up and has begun twirl in his stomach.

when he closes his eyes he can see seokwoo dressed in his favorite suit with his hair perfectly styled and his expression stiff and bland in a casket. that wasn't his brother. his brother smiled and clung onto him when he laughed and hated formal wear. his handsome brother never let anyone see him with a frown, but now he has a permanent grimace and his body is now decomposing and slowly being eaten by maggots in a graveyard somewhere in a family burial plot. he squeezes his eyes and tries to will the images of his brother’s dead body away. no. no. no. no. no. no.

he takes a deep breath and tries not to think at all. his thoughts have only caused him to spiral.

_seokwoo i don’t know if there’s a heaven or god or if after life there is only death but tell whoever is in charge, i hate it here and i’m not sure if i did something terrible in my past life but i’ll make it in this life if you give me one good day. it’s has been nearly four years since your accident and i’m tired of suffering. my days are far too short yet so incredibly long and i have not enjoyed a single one since you’ve been gone but i wanna change that. i wanna live and enjoy the sun on my face. i wanna learn to live. send help._  
_sincerely,  
seonghwa_


End file.
